Still Searching...

Roughly a month into college and I still haven't found where I belong. I've made some awesome friends; great people that have taught me so much about myself already. However, I'm missing something. I'm missing community. I don't have anyone to keep me accountable. I don't have people that will point out my wrongs in a loving way. Nobody is carrying my burden for me as I posted about from Galations. I am not carrying anyone else's burdens. I'm not a part of a Christian community and it's hindering my growth in Christ. I can feel a blockade forming between myself and God because of the lack of contact I have with people who love Jesus. It's an odd thing to say, really. Why can't I just follow the God that I love SO deeply by myself? If my God is so powerful, why do I need help from other people to follow Him?

I started writing a song earlier this week that really embodies my walk with God at this (early) point in my college career. So far I only have a first verse and chorus, but it's starting to come along pretty well.

I turn my back on my Father

But He looks me straight in the eyes

I’m running away from my Savior

But I can’t find the finish line

My head and my mouth sing your praises

But my heart rejects Your grace

Teach me to walk in the light

Remind me of Your face

Remind me of Your love O, Lord

Teach me of your grace and pour

Every mercy out on me

I need to know that you set me free 

Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel alone? I've been praying all summer and since I've arrived here for a good Christian community that will allow me to thrive and love Christ better. Why has that prayer gone unanswered for so long? It seems that all of my other friends are already connected to campus ministry groups and found good friends in them. 

I do go to a bible study on Thursday nights, which has been intellectually stimulating. However, I'm not gaining strong friendships or even much interaction beyond the meetings. I can walk in and out with little-no contact easily. Though one brother Brad has been friendly and has a clear and strong relationship with the Lord, there's nothing beyond the surface. I've gotten deeper with my buddies on my floor. 

I need to learn how to praise God through my loneliness and through my frustration. My guitar is the best tool for that, and I've been using it often. I need people in my life that love and believe in Jesus. 

Pray for me.

Grace

The grace of God just transformed my heart.

The power of God. The power of Sin. The nature of this world that allows things to be how they are; and that God is the author and perfecter of that. He cannot be stopped. I do not have the power to shut him out of my life. Even when I try, he cracks open the door and His mighty and penetrating light pierces every area of my life.

It's unbelievable how many times I sin greatly against the God that created me. It's unbelievable how every single time, he takes me back. Why?


"A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains."

One thousand. I think I reached that "milestone" long ago. Even far beyond that almost unfathomable quantity of sins, He loves me. He cares for me. He changes me. He knows me. He lives inside me. I am His and He is mine.

I'm writing in this post exactly a week from my first night in college. College is different. I'm on my own. I don't have anybody to answer to in the physical realm of this world. I can do whatever I want (which, of course, is a relative term that must be subjected to the Moral Law).  Now, I've always wanted to be alone. To be independent. To do everything on my own. It's great, right? But I realized something. Actually two somethings. Two very important somethings.

The first one, and probably the one that is more essential than the other, is that I'm not alone. I have my savior that set me free from my sins. "Unending love, amazing grace". That is something that cannot be overlooked. His love, care, passion, and desire for me is unparalleled. That's what matters. Not the number of times I sin or even the severity of them. No. It is His perfect and complete love for me. I cannot understand how great it is, or even why He so perfectly loves me, but I can rest in that love. There is no better way to feel someone's love than to allow them to love you and invite them into every aspect of your life. It is hard to do because all I want is to control my own life.

"Into your hands I commend my spirit"

The second thing is that I can't be alone, in the physical sense of the word. If I am, the "bigger" sins that I struggle with are going to show up more often and even be bigger. I need community. I posted about this earlier. I have to get plugged in to a group of people that love Jesus and that care for me, as I can care for them. Accountability is essential.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" Galations 6:2

I want to live like that. Pray for me.