The Fire is Out

I've been off. Almost falling, in a way. Not enjoying the things I normally enjoy. Getting angry really easily. Having serious doubts about what I believe. Even the usual comforting thought "No matter what's happening to me, God has exactly where I'm supposed to be" isn't as potent as it has been. My worship has been less genuine. My reading has become scarce. I've been doing well in school; who cares?

I'm in a hole and I can't seem to get myself out of it. I'm still alone. I'm still searching. Still waiting...

"And the peace of God which transcends all understanding may guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:7. Where is that peace in my life? Where are God's promises? Where is the joy that comes from following God?

It's almost as if my faith has become a struggle instead of a passion. Where did the fire go? Where is my desire to live for Christ? One thing I know that I'm not is complacent. I'm not okay with where I am right now. It's not fun. It's not rewarding. It's not a good place to be. I need to get out. Prayer is where I should start. But I've felt like no one is listening recently. Where have the answers to prayers been? I guess I just haven't been praying very much. How can God answer me for something I haven't asked Him for?

"Create in me a clean heart, O, God." Psalm 51

My heart is befuddled with massive amounts of sin and doubt right now. I've been doubting the goodness of God. Not the power or love, but the goodness. It seems that the brokenness of this world has been out-weighing the good. Where is a good God in a so broken world?

I'm being very pessimistic, and this post is not written well, nor is it very intellectual. But I am not a writer, nor am I a theologian. So I am okay with that. I have an exam tomorrow morning at 10 so I should probably get to sleep and/or study.

Pray for me.

Still Searching...

Roughly a month into college and I still haven't found where I belong. I've made some awesome friends; great people that have taught me so much about myself already. However, I'm missing something. I'm missing community. I don't have anyone to keep me accountable. I don't have people that will point out my wrongs in a loving way. Nobody is carrying my burden for me as I posted about from Galations. I am not carrying anyone else's burdens. I'm not a part of a Christian community and it's hindering my growth in Christ. I can feel a blockade forming between myself and God because of the lack of contact I have with people who love Jesus. It's an odd thing to say, really. Why can't I just follow the God that I love SO deeply by myself? If my God is so powerful, why do I need help from other people to follow Him?

I started writing a song earlier this week that really embodies my walk with God at this (early) point in my college career. So far I only have a first verse and chorus, but it's starting to come along pretty well.

I turn my back on my Father

But He looks me straight in the eyes

I’m running away from my Savior

But I can’t find the finish line

My head and my mouth sing your praises

But my heart rejects Your grace

Teach me to walk in the light

Remind me of Your face

Remind me of Your love O, Lord

Teach me of your grace and pour

Every mercy out on me

I need to know that you set me free 

Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel alone? I've been praying all summer and since I've arrived here for a good Christian community that will allow me to thrive and love Christ better. Why has that prayer gone unanswered for so long? It seems that all of my other friends are already connected to campus ministry groups and found good friends in them. 

I do go to a bible study on Thursday nights, which has been intellectually stimulating. However, I'm not gaining strong friendships or even much interaction beyond the meetings. I can walk in and out with little-no contact easily. Though one brother Brad has been friendly and has a clear and strong relationship with the Lord, there's nothing beyond the surface. I've gotten deeper with my buddies on my floor. 

I need to learn how to praise God through my loneliness and through my frustration. My guitar is the best tool for that, and I've been using it often. I need people in my life that love and believe in Jesus. 

Pray for me.

Grace

The grace of God just transformed my heart.

The power of God. The power of Sin. The nature of this world that allows things to be how they are; and that God is the author and perfecter of that. He cannot be stopped. I do not have the power to shut him out of my life. Even when I try, he cracks open the door and His mighty and penetrating light pierces every area of my life.

It's unbelievable how many times I sin greatly against the God that created me. It's unbelievable how every single time, he takes me back. Why?


"A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains."

One thousand. I think I reached that "milestone" long ago. Even far beyond that almost unfathomable quantity of sins, He loves me. He cares for me. He changes me. He knows me. He lives inside me. I am His and He is mine.

I'm writing in this post exactly a week from my first night in college. College is different. I'm on my own. I don't have anybody to answer to in the physical realm of this world. I can do whatever I want (which, of course, is a relative term that must be subjected to the Moral Law).  Now, I've always wanted to be alone. To be independent. To do everything on my own. It's great, right? But I realized something. Actually two somethings. Two very important somethings.

The first one, and probably the one that is more essential than the other, is that I'm not alone. I have my savior that set me free from my sins. "Unending love, amazing grace". That is something that cannot be overlooked. His love, care, passion, and desire for me is unparalleled. That's what matters. Not the number of times I sin or even the severity of them. No. It is His perfect and complete love for me. I cannot understand how great it is, or even why He so perfectly loves me, but I can rest in that love. There is no better way to feel someone's love than to allow them to love you and invite them into every aspect of your life. It is hard to do because all I want is to control my own life.

"Into your hands I commend my spirit"

The second thing is that I can't be alone, in the physical sense of the word. If I am, the "bigger" sins that I struggle with are going to show up more often and even be bigger. I need community. I posted about this earlier. I have to get plugged in to a group of people that love Jesus and that care for me, as I can care for them. Accountability is essential.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" Galations 6:2

I want to live like that. Pray for me.

Fear

Fear just swallowed my heart. Suddenly and completely. I'm going to college in less than 2 weeks. I do not feel prepared in any way. I feel like I haven't done so many things. I feel like I'm gonna get there and realize I've forgotten my toothbrush or phone or something essential. 

I haven't done anything remotely intellectual this summer barring serious thinking about what I believe. My schedule is rigorous and jam packed. I like math, and I'm good at it, but I've never taken a stat class before. Could that be an area in math that I suck at? I've always been pretty good at Bio and Chem, but what if this stuff goes over my head? What if I'm not even close to being cut out for a major in Chemical Biology? I haven't spoken Spanish since May and I don't even remember basic grammar. I'm jumping into a mid-level Spanish class, too! It seems that every day someone asks me where I'm going and what I'll be studying and every day I tell them. But now...I'm doing it. Everyone is incredulous and says "good luck with that" or "wow! that is not for me. have fun!" Even my dad said he saw my classes and was worried that I'll be able to handle it. 

So, academia...terrifying. What's worse? I have to go into a University in which I know about five people and I'm expected to make friends. I've been praying that I can find that ONE guy friend that loves God that can hold me accountable. I need someone like that. Yeah, I'm scared of making friends and finding social groups that I can have fun in, but what am I really scared of? I'll tell you.

I'm scared that I will wander from God. I have no doubt that God will not forsake me. He has promised me that and I believe every word of it. But the fear of running away, avoiding, being to busy for, and even denouncing my God has captured every square millimeter of my heart. 

My knowledge of God is fairly significant for my age and given humans' finite minds. My heart, however, is scared. Not only is it scared, but I don't know if I'm ready for college. I'm young. I want to stay home, spend time with friends, family, my parents. I want them to be right at my side at a moments' notice. I know it's not that far away, but I'm just worried. 

Where is God in all of this fear and uncertainty? I'll tell you. He's right next to me. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared. Should it? Probably. But that's not what I'm feeling right now. I don't want to be fully independent. I'm scared.

I don't like this feeling at all.

Pray for me.

Sin

So this week I've learned about the incredible power that sin has over me. In Philly, I learned so much about God's mercy and love. That has not escaped my head, but has actually been amplified to something so much more than "just" his love for me.

You see, God calls me to life a perfect life, but when I continually go against His will, Jesus comes in and says, "No, Father, punish me instead. He does not know what he is doing" on my behalf. So, when I screw up, someone else was flogged, beaten, tortured, betrayed, and ultimately murdered for ME. To be honest, that pisses me off. I want to own up to my own sin. Wouldn't that make me sin less? If instead of God punishing Jesus when I screw up, he punished me, would I not fear God more than I do if his only response to my sin is love?

I am so utterly lost in sin and I need God to bring me home. Tim Keller stresses the complete helplessness that I have in the fight against sin. I have absolutely no ability to fight temptation. Even when I successfully ward sin off, I am "proud" of myself for standing strong in God. What actually happened is that Jesus beat my sin. He took it from me. But why does that not happen more often? I get so frustrated with my hopelessness. I want to be able to DO SOMETHING. I don't like to admit that I am powerless.

So what I'm saying is that I've really been wrestling with being so deep into sin and no "practical" way out. It's an awful feeling that has no hope of getting better. I need to focus on the cross.

Pray for me.

Good or bad?

I listened to a Tim Keller sermon the other night that was really eye opening. How many times has someone called Keller's sermons eye opening? Guess I'm just one in a million! :)

Anyway, it was on Romans 8:28 which has always been a comforting verse for me. But I realized as Keller talked about it that it comforted me for the wrong reasons. When I read "all things work together for good to those who love God" I get this false idea that because I love God, nothing truly bad can happen to me. However, this is not true; for my idea of "good" and "bad" is different than God's perception. What I've realized is that God has a vantage point that neither I nor any other human will ever be able to experience. 

A lot of people, including myself before hearing this sermon, seem to have this idea that because we love God, we have this protective ring around us that spares us from any harm. The bible says NOTHING like that. In fact, it says the opposite. Matthew 24:9 says: "Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me." So not only does Jesus assure us that we will undergo persecution, but He also declares that it will be because of His name. Also, James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." Once again, believers in Christ experience hardships. Though I've obviously always knew that, this next part never really clicked.

These trials, hardships, difficulties, roadblocks, whatever you want to call the times in your life when you just want to throw the towel in and give up are GOOD. In the midst of them I forget why they're there. Everywhere I go, everyone I meet, every temptation I face has a purpose. Whether that purpose is "good" in my eyes or not, I must recognize that unachievable vantage point that God has. I've always thought of these things as bad, but eventually God will put something good into my life. But in reality, they are good. 

This raises a question though. Is God still just? The simple answer is obvious: yes, of course. But how can these seemingly bad things happen to us and be considered good by a supposedly just God? In order to answer that we must look at Jesus. If you look at the cross and the perfect display of love that exists there, can you contradict God's justice? Can you truly think that the God that sacrificed his Son also commit unjust acts against you? Think about it.

The Philadelphia Project

This past week I went with a part of my youth group to work with The Philadelphia Project. It was an incredibly humbling experience to say the least. Let me tell you about it:

First, an introduction of TPP. The Philadelphia Project serves the community by allowing youth groups from all over to come in and do major home repair on many houses in the Mount Airy area. They hire roughly 7 interns to stay at Mount Airy Presbyterian Church all summer and lead different groups of kids to the houses that they'll be working at.

When we got there, people in yellow shirts were screaming at us, taking my belongings, and literally sweeping the ground in front of me on my way from the bus to the church. My first thoughts? Here we go, a week with a bunch of tool bags telling me what to do.

My initial thoughts weren't proved wrong until much later that night during the first "Club Time" in which there was a worship service paired with a lesson that in some way promoted the good news of Jesus. The first night one of the yellow shirts, who I quickly formed a relationship with, gave his testimony. In all honesty, and through no fault of his own, I don't really remember much of what Andrew said. What stuck out to me that night was the challenge that was given to me by the founder of the Project, Ray. He asked us if we were right with God, ourselves, and others. Like other members of my group my first response was: no way. To tell you the story of how I got to the answer that I now BELIEVE with all my heart, mind, and soul, I must continue on with what happened through the duration of my time there.

As a believer of the same God that I worship, Ms. Linda greeted us with thanksgiving and humility early the next morning as myself and 6 other members of my group were thrown into work projects that we hoped would be complete by Thursday at 2:30pm. However, our earthly hopes quickly turned into prayers, and our prayers transformed from a secular mindset to one that revolved around God. As the gospel was preached each night, and praises were lifted to my God, I began to understand the why? That is the question that I hope to answer. The question that I hope to know, understand, and live. Let me tell you a story.

On the last day, we were sweeping, weeding, picking up litter, etc. on the block where Ms. Linda lives. I was walking around with a trash bag and a dustpan picking up the piles that the other members of my team were making when I overheard a conversation between my friend Ben and a Muslim woman in her car. The conversation went something like this:
Woman: Are you guys doing community service?
Ben: No, we're with The Philadelphia Project (he went on to explain what that was)
Woman: Oh, awesome. You guys can put this on your resume.
Ben: No, we're doing this for Jesus.

That is the Why? Plain and simple. Why would I take a week out of my summer to go and help those less fortunate than I? Because of Jesus. Because in the story of the good samaritan, I am the one on the side of the road beaten, bruised, and broken. And Jesus calls me to do the same to others. My brother Scott, one of the interns at TPP, taught on that famous story and God spoke to me through his words. We help our brothers and sisters not only because Jesus commands us to, but because Jesus helped us first. Because out of love for the One that loved us, we can break barriers, forget our worries, and die to ourselves in order to love others.

When this apparent truth has even the slightest presence in my life, I live differently. While putting up a large piece of drywall with my friend and brother Luke, we encountered every possible problem imaginable; but we stuck to it. Not because we were getting paid (we weren't), not because we felt obligated (we didn't), not because we wanted Ms. Linda to thank us (we didn't), but because we were doing it for Jesus. You see, originally I arrived at TPP ready to work, but not ready to work for Jesus. And now, through experiencing his love through the love of other people, I worked for my creator and friend, Jesus.

The greatest thing about working for Jesus is that He walks with you every step of the way. By Wednesday morning I was physically wiped out. I had no energy, I was sore, and the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed to spackel and drywall all day. I prayed that God would change my heart and give me physical strength to get through the day. By the time I got to the worksite, I felt no more pains, and didn't have the slightest desire to go to sleep. Not only that, but I was singing God's praises that I had the opportunity to work on Ms. Linda's house. You might think I'm crazy, but a miracle was performed in my life that day. By no works of my own was I able to work tirelessly from 9am-2pm on Wednesday, August 1st.

To all those that made this week happen: thank you. Words fail me when I try to describe the love that captured my heart through everyone involved at TPP this past week. Interns, your mission to live out Zechariah 7:9 is not in vain. Thank you for welcoming us with open arms and wasting no time in getting to know who we really were, not just on the outside, but who we are in light of God's love. Throughout my entire time at TPP I felt a strong sense of community. There are so many more stories and blessings that God poured out upon me that I could write for pages and pages about, but I'll spare you all.

Now to answer the question, Am I right with God? The answer is not "no way" Nor is it just "yes" But instead, it is: Yes, but only through the blood of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.