The Fire is Out

I've been off. Almost falling, in a way. Not enjoying the things I normally enjoy. Getting angry really easily. Having serious doubts about what I believe. Even the usual comforting thought "No matter what's happening to me, God has exactly where I'm supposed to be" isn't as potent as it has been. My worship has been less genuine. My reading has become scarce. I've been doing well in school; who cares?

I'm in a hole and I can't seem to get myself out of it. I'm still alone. I'm still searching. Still waiting...

"And the peace of God which transcends all understanding may guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:7. Where is that peace in my life? Where are God's promises? Where is the joy that comes from following God?

It's almost as if my faith has become a struggle instead of a passion. Where did the fire go? Where is my desire to live for Christ? One thing I know that I'm not is complacent. I'm not okay with where I am right now. It's not fun. It's not rewarding. It's not a good place to be. I need to get out. Prayer is where I should start. But I've felt like no one is listening recently. Where have the answers to prayers been? I guess I just haven't been praying very much. How can God answer me for something I haven't asked Him for?

"Create in me a clean heart, O, God." Psalm 51

My heart is befuddled with massive amounts of sin and doubt right now. I've been doubting the goodness of God. Not the power or love, but the goodness. It seems that the brokenness of this world has been out-weighing the good. Where is a good God in a so broken world?

I'm being very pessimistic, and this post is not written well, nor is it very intellectual. But I am not a writer, nor am I a theologian. So I am okay with that. I have an exam tomorrow morning at 10 so I should probably get to sleep and/or study.

Pray for me.