Complacency

Last time I wrote I expressed my distance from God. When I wrote that, I was restless; actively looking for a way to find God again. Here I am, about 2 months later, probably "further" from God, complacent. Doubts have swallowed my heart. Not doubts about who God is, but doubts about whether or not He even exists. Really scary doubts. My life has slowly but surely morphed back into the way it was before I even understood who God is.

All my life I have believed in a God who claims this:

I am all powerful, all knowing, omnipotent, omnipresent, and I have created everything you see, touch, taste, hear. Sense. There is no good that exists apart from me. All of the evil that exists in the world is due to the choices that my creation (humans) has made. I have sent my son into the world to become a human, to live a perfect life, and ultimately be crucified and raised to life. Why? Because I created you, and I love you. I want to redeem your poor decisions that create evil by giving you a way to salvation and eternal life with me in Heaven. However, while you are on this earth this will not be an easy road. It is narrow and difficult. However this truth still exists: My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, boast all the more in your weaknesses so that my power may rest on you.

That's the God that I'm supposedly following. But I'm having a lot of trouble doing it. I'm finding it harder and harder to let go of my vices, to resist temptations, to forget insecurities, to give myself fully to him as he commands. 

Jesus says this in Luke 14

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."

That's some heavy stuff... God doesn't want half of us, or even 99%. God wants every second of our lives to glorify him. I am weak. I do not have the power to do that, which is why Jesus did what he did. But his suffering on the cross demands a life of faith that I am unable to live. I don't know the balance between "using" his unlimited grace and living for him. 

So here I am. Through my first semester of college. Broken, scared, doubting, living, doing what I want to do. Not paying attention to God's commands for my life. And honestly, complacent. I'm having fun following the sinful desires of my heart.

So I'm waiting. Waiting for God's mercy and love to capture my heart as it once did. Do I have to meet him half way? I don't think so. I want God to accept me as I am. To meet me in my needs, my struggles, my temptations, and my sinful desires. Because Jesus has gone through the temptations and the sufferings. Because Jesus suffered, was tempted, beaten, tortured, ridiculed, killed. Jesus even wept for me.

Come, God. I'm inviting you in. 

Pray for me. Please.