The other day I posted my thoughts from the previous week that expressed the complacency that I was feeling toward my distance from God. However, even before I posted that, God came in, destroyed my doubts, granted me peace, forgiveness, and the love that I was searching for.
It's quite unbelievable how God reveals himself to those who follow him. (Of course, I'm using the term unbelievable in the figurative sense, for God himself is very believable). He uses people, moments, conversations, logic, interactions, and he even uses sin. Throughout this break from school I've been running in the opposite direction of God, yet he keeps tripping me up; not allowing me to get too far from him. He finally picked me up and turned me around the other night after having a conversation with my good friend Tim Dirksen.
But before I go into the details of this conversation let me tell you about the moments in which God revealed himself to me that led up to this unexpected transformation. On Sunday in church a song was sung that praises God for how wonderful, powerful, and loving He truly is. It is a very up beat song that was driven by bass and vocals. Sarah Timlin was leading worship and she essentially led the vocals in the song. I'll tell you this: I will never forget the look on her face, the power in her voice, the sheer joy that she felt. She was worshipping. She was worshipping the God that created her with every ounce of her being. She was smiling ear-to-ear, singing her heart out. And it was beautiful. God was shining through her brighter than I had ever seen Him shine through a human being.
Another God sighting occurred in a short conversation I had with my Father a few days after New Years. We were briefly discussing my excursion up to the Poconos in which a lot of "partying" took place. He gently told me "Look, JP. You can't keep going on living this double life. It would be one thing if it only affected you, but it affects all of those around you. You have a great opportunity to witness to your friends but if you're living just the way that they are, what's the difference between you and them?" It was short, sweet, and to the point. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
What did God do next? He enabled me to be completely open with Tim Dirksen for 4 hours about how I had been feeling. I stopped using the phrase "distant from God" and started telling it how it was and said "Tim, I am straight up sprinting in the opposite direction of God". It was freeing. It felt incredible to finally be open and honest with someone about my actual emotions instead of just beating around the bush. We talked about why I was continually putting up with the sin patterns in my life. We talked about why is the Gospel so powerful, yet I am still able to live a sinful life.
Through everything we discussed, nothing meant more to me than answering the question: "Why, if this Christian life is so hard, do we push on? Why do we die to ourselves and serve the Lord when living for ourselves is so much easier?" The simple answer is two-fold. One day, far into the future, I am going to look the creator of the universe in the eye; face to face with my God I am going to say "Here I am. Take me in. I'm not perfect, but I tried." What is more beautiful than that? The other part of the answer is this: even though living for oneself may be easier, where will you find yourself at the end of your life? If the only purpose you have is to please yourself, to be successful, make a lot of money, achieve "happiness", well...then what? Do you throw the towel in and say, "well, I lived a good life". If that's the case for you, okay. But I urge you to think twice; search for something more. Because it exists. It exists in living for the God that was beaten, murdered, and raised to life for the wrongs that you and I have committed. It's not going to be easy, and you're sure as hell not going to do it perfectly, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.
So now, here I am, finally growing. I am not complacent, though. I realized that complacency does not only exist in times of struggle and hardship, but during fruitful times as well. There is always something new to learn, and for the rest of my life I will be striving to grow closer and closer to God.
Pray for me.
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