Fear

Fear just swallowed my heart. Suddenly and completely. I'm going to college in less than 2 weeks. I do not feel prepared in any way. I feel like I haven't done so many things. I feel like I'm gonna get there and realize I've forgotten my toothbrush or phone or something essential. 

I haven't done anything remotely intellectual this summer barring serious thinking about what I believe. My schedule is rigorous and jam packed. I like math, and I'm good at it, but I've never taken a stat class before. Could that be an area in math that I suck at? I've always been pretty good at Bio and Chem, but what if this stuff goes over my head? What if I'm not even close to being cut out for a major in Chemical Biology? I haven't spoken Spanish since May and I don't even remember basic grammar. I'm jumping into a mid-level Spanish class, too! It seems that every day someone asks me where I'm going and what I'll be studying and every day I tell them. But now...I'm doing it. Everyone is incredulous and says "good luck with that" or "wow! that is not for me. have fun!" Even my dad said he saw my classes and was worried that I'll be able to handle it. 

So, academia...terrifying. What's worse? I have to go into a University in which I know about five people and I'm expected to make friends. I've been praying that I can find that ONE guy friend that loves God that can hold me accountable. I need someone like that. Yeah, I'm scared of making friends and finding social groups that I can have fun in, but what am I really scared of? I'll tell you.

I'm scared that I will wander from God. I have no doubt that God will not forsake me. He has promised me that and I believe every word of it. But the fear of running away, avoiding, being to busy for, and even denouncing my God has captured every square millimeter of my heart. 

My knowledge of God is fairly significant for my age and given humans' finite minds. My heart, however, is scared. Not only is it scared, but I don't know if I'm ready for college. I'm young. I want to stay home, spend time with friends, family, my parents. I want them to be right at my side at a moments' notice. I know it's not that far away, but I'm just worried. 

Where is God in all of this fear and uncertainty? I'll tell you. He's right next to me. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared. Should it? Probably. But that's not what I'm feeling right now. I don't want to be fully independent. I'm scared.

I don't like this feeling at all.

Pray for me.